i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
