You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
