my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
