I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
