my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
