How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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