I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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