That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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