I am midnight drunk by noon
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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