Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
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Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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