I checked into jail on foursquare
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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