I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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