i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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