Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
