Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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