my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize