I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
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This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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