So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
