I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
