she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize