My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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