So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
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Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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