Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
