Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize