Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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