having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Randomize
