Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
