I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
