The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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