I am in a vortex of obligation.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
