mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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