the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
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He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
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So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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