I need to stop coming to work sober
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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