Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
