i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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