Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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