Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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