My liver just broke up with me...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
