Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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