the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
