She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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