Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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