one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
