We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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