One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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