I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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