hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
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If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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