Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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