Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i dont even know how to be here
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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