the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
