she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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