i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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