Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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