Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Sober January is a disaster.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
