Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
