There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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