so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
