I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
