I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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